(originally written in 2022)
White sand beaches, beautiful hotels, vibez everywhere and gorgeous men for days.
The kind of men that have wild hearts & love-making eyes.
While I was called to explore Tulum for some retreat-planning and property investment for this fall, I knew there were also deeper insights to be received around RECEIVING & LOVE.
The more I commit to my work, the more it shows me areas for growth….
so that I can become the master in training I’m meant to be and receive the deeper codes around intimacy, sex, love and ultimately sacred embodiment.
And this past year – I’ve received a strong message that my work around Sacred Sexuality will open deeper into a new chapter in my life…
one where I’m in sacred partnership and union.
After an interesting 2021; filled with highs and lows, a few loves and some romantic disappointments….2022 revealed that THIS was the year….of sacred union, partnership and love.
2022 is the portal for many twin ray unions to reunite and come together (more on this in my book dropping soon).
Twin Ray reunions of epic proportions.
Love amplified and magnified in new ways through powerful hearts.
While there were many sacred moments with friends, ceremonies at the Pyramids, and experiences that opened my heart while in Mexico – I had also asked God to prepare me for my future husband.
To make him known.
To help me open my energy to him.
And help my heart open to receive and give the kind of love that moves mountains.
And so, God answered in showing me an old story to dissolve.
An old story around rejection and emotional availability.
Polarity and attraction.
It first came in the form of let’s call him ….‘John’; men’s work coach, studly, and somewhat reserved, we met on IG (the new Tinder;) and had a beautiful date.
We chatted, saw cool art, he massaged my neck, and we exchanged a longgggg warm hug at the end.
Our messages later both professed a mutual desire to spend more time together.
‘Let him take the lead and initiate the time’, my mind reminded me.
His responses were anything but inviting, and instead of proposing a time to hang out before I left, he expressed how busy he was.
Fuck there it was again.
That experience and familiar script saying there’s something wrong with me.
Yet another man cooly rejecting me. For what? I didn’t know.
I kept my cool and played it up to attracting yet another unavailable man.
Maybe the flavour of strained effort was being mirrored.
He had been pretty reserved – holding back.
And so had I.
“I’m not here to meet men”, I half-reminded myself.
Winding up to my last night in Tulum, I released all expectations of anything happening beyond celebrating with my friends.
We danced under the stars around a fire and I released all expectations, attachments, and desires to be met.
I burnt my book manuscript in a ceremonial fire, to release its medicine and magic into the world and was reminded of what I’d proclaimed in its final chapter (you’ll have to wait until it’s published to get that dirt;)….
I had already claimed and received one part of what I had written – and this last prayer I knew had to be released in order to be received.
And so – I released.
Released tears mixed with trying too hard.
Released the aching desire to be met in love & partnership.
Released any desires to seek outside of myself at all.
As I sat in the back of the car on our way back to a bar for a last hurrah….
Relishing the final moment of these last hours in Tulum…
I asked my heart what the medicine of this trip was…especially around men, my heart and love.
It replied, “it’s your choice to open to love, to choose the love you desire….choose to open to it and it will find you.”
In that moment, I made a choice to be available for the love that would have me.
So then another message came in the form of ‘Rodrigo’ – Mexican DJ/Restauranteur with deadly eyes and art style….
So then another message came in the form of ‘Rodrigo’ – Mexican DJ/Restauranteur with deadly eyes and art style….
My friends and I had discovered this sexy restaurant – with a wild vibe and rooftop patio.
We’d danced under the stars to exotic Euro trance and I couldn’t help it… my attention kept being drawn to the striking man creating these epic beats.
Dark hair, eyes, beard and intense yet quiet personality….his frequency struck a chord in my being.
While I danced and swayed in front of him, I had never felt sexier.
Snakeskin dress, hoops and my inner priestess coding the dance floor with exotic dancing flowing from my veins…
I thought this would be the night of wild fervent passion…
but it wasn’t to be.
So when we ran into him again on my last night, I thought, ‘this might be the time’….
I wanted his attention.
I wanted his eyes to look my way.
I wanted him to see inside my soul and recognize the connection.
In the kitchen, I ran into him and asked for a lime to help chase the rare tequila shot I was to finish.
You could have licked the tension between us as our eyes caught and I asked him for that lime.
2 feet away and I licked every detail of his being with my attention. His pirate earring, the grizzly chest hair oozing out of the top of his white unbuttoned shirt…the intensity simmering beneath the surface.
Like time was frozen – I too felt overwhelmed with a chemistry that scared the shit out of me….
My normally confident self was frozen as well, and downing that shot…time then came back online..
I went back to my table…and nothing else happened.
He didn’t come over.
He didn’t nothing.
And so again I released.
Again I breathed into myself and held my little girl.
I let her know she is enough, she is desireable, worthy and perfect just as she is….
with the attention of a man or not.
I repeated in my mind as I relaxed and released: “I am enough. I am whole. I am exactly where I’m meant to be”.
Again, the message to be non-attached to an outcome.
I brought awareness to this desire to ‘hook’ his attention and released it into my heart.
Be here. Be now. Be present & in my heart.
Deep breath onward. Ahhhhh….I’m going to enjoy this final night, however it unfolds.
Stepping back into the night, everything was closing around us.
Impossible I thought. It’s Friday night and this is Tulum.
We found ourselves stopping in at one last place close to our Tulum home…a small and beautifully eclectic building, with curving exotic walls inlaid with bamboo sacred geometry.
The young intense (and beautiful) man behind the bar also happened to be the genius architect of this hidden gem.
My passion for art couldn’t be contained and our conversation swirled around our favorite architects to design and fashion, and finally into tantra…
I could feel the tension building between us, as we seemed to share similar veins of interests in kink, open sexuality, and the exploration of desire….
I was trying to gauge his interest and desire….was this just me again feeling this or was this a shared energy of attraction….???
I let go of trying to guess and just embraced my passion and wild ideas, sharing my dreams of create erotically alive artistic experiences as “Diego” gave me a tour of his secluded event space behind the bar….
and then embraced me….
in the darkness…pressing his heat against me.
Pressing his face against my neck, “you see me…you get me”….”you mirror my wildness”…he breathed into my ear.
His lips grazed my neck and electricity shot from his lips into my neck as his passion touched my skin.
He gently pushed me down onto a net bed he’d designed (le sigh)…and ripped off his shirt – grinning at me with a youthful vitality that definitely revealed he was far younger and less jaded than I.
“you’re fucking crazy – and I love it!” I whimpered.
in the wildness, aliveness and raw open-hearted moment – it clicked.
I didn’t have to be anyone else…I didn’t have to suppress myself or my energy…
I didn’t have to continue ‘healing’ or perfecting my soul to be worthy of love, affection or connection…
I simply had to chill the fuck out, relax, and be in my essence.
Wildly alive in my own desire + essence – alive with the wildness of that which makes me come alive.
Our passion was interrupted and I sensed the natural parting of ways that we were arriving at.
I was leaving early in the morning for the airport, and needed at least a few hours of sleep.
“I need to leave darling”….I whispered in his ear.
Of course, he wouldn’t have that. He walked us home, and implored to come in and ‘cuddle’.
Ayyyyy….oh boy. I wouldn’t be getting any sleep if I didn’t hold myself.
“My love – this boundary is for both of us…if this connection is true and authentic, it will stand the test of time. Let this patience for connection be a thread of truth that creates a foundation built on trust and patience”…I whispered to the burning passion I could see in his face.
“Ok darling, I understand….yet I want to see you moan with desire for me”….
And he pushed me against the wall on the outdoor balcony, lifting my skirt aside and slipping his finger inside my panties to find her wetness begging for him..
His fingers finding her places of aching…he pushed on and on….opening her gateways of ecstasy…
“God I love Mexico – I love this passion – I love this wild desire”…my mind roared while my voice tried to contain her pleasure and not wake the neighbors or my friends.
Jesus….oh he was there…urging me on.
Finally, the ache quenched – heart dripping open with feeling so met…our hearts knew that he had to leave and I had to sleep.
Four hours of rest in me…the morning rush to finish packing and get ready had me waking to him on the street there to see me off.
Myself, Diego and another friend finished morning coffees before he pulled me aside for a kiss and told me he had a present for me.
Oh gosh – a present for me…?
My love language was feeling very seen…!
How I melt at romantic acts of affection.
“This has been with me for the past six years in some of the darkest times of my life, and I want you to now have it”…as he pressed the gorgeous beaded Mexican flower necklace into my hands.
This was my farewell to Mexico – departing with a beloved shamanic totem dear to his heart.
My dear friend Rey saw me off in a taxi, and my heart beamed as I headed to the airport.
Arriving at the airport, I got to see a Tulum friend for a brief lunch before we both left. April was this beam of light whom I got to meet before we left. Her grace + youthful spirit were such sweetness to end the journey with, and we debriefed our experiences over veggies and rice.
“How do you reconcile the relationship with your sexuality?” she inquired. “Sometimes I feel like I have to feel out whether I can trust someone before I open myself to them sexually. Maybe I’m holding myself back, I don’t know”…
I thoughtfully chewed on this question. It had been one that stewed in my consciousness as well from time to time…
I mean, god, I’d tasted the spectrum – especially in the last two years…from long periods of celibacy and yearning…to short-lived romances (which while having the essence of partnership actually had very little sexual desire/passion) to wildly alive and enriching spontaneous sexual encounters (which included my first group sex experience)…
it was a question that only opened into more inquiry…
Was there a space where sexual fantasy and aliveness could meet the depths of heart and soul intimacy?
I didn’t really think I could answer that question for her…or with her…but only be with the inquiry myself…
And so when I finally left her and sat down to wait the arrival of my plane…I looked at my phone
with joyful shock to see yet another fucking affirmation of love…. Stunned…I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.